|If you get "volunteered"
to be the Master of Ceremonies for your reunion, here are a few one
liners, jokes, and inspirational
thoughts to help pad out your welcoming speech.
- A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
- You might be a redneck if you attend your family reunion to pick up
- You might be a redneck if your family reunion is held at a rest area.
- Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like
- We put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
- Relatives are people who come to dinner who aren't friends .
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down
and look comfortable.
A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At
the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day
and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I
would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in
60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her
to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you
gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that
I think about it, I think you're a jinx!
Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me?
Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob
just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to
his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her
at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her
and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was
surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six
months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd
give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and
told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked
why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy
fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the
basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his
three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa
somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early
one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled,
"Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter
rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I
always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''
One day a police car pulled up to grandma's house and grandpa got
out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.
''Why, Bill,'' said Grandma, ''You've been going there for over 30 years! How could
you get lost?'' Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he
whispered, ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.''
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the small New
England town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews and idly chatting about their lives, their
families, etc., when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Everyone quickly evacuated the Church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Do you not know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over
The children of a prominent family chose to give the patriarch a
book of their family's history. The biographer they hired was warned of one problem. Uncle
Willie, the "Black Sheep," had gone to Sing Sing's Electric chair for murder.
The writer carefully handled the situation in the following way: "Uncle Willie
occupied a chair of applied electronics at one of our nation's leading institutions. He
was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a true shock. - from
Ka Pupa Nihonih (Mayflower Quarterly - Nov 1990)
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times,
as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after
me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1
million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued
with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven
and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God,
wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw
the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam
and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had
trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live
when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies better
than anything in the world. With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of
bed, across the floor to the stairs. Down the stairs and into the kitchen.
There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, SMACK across the
back of the hand his wife hit him with a spoon. "Leave them alone, they are for
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested
that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he
said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked
again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant
the next baby!"
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
- When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
- Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
- You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
- Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- School lunches stick to the wall.
- You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
- Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
- There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
- For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
- One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
- Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is
- Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
- Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
- You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of
white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother
and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" Her
mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this
revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up"
during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of
order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow
up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the
foyer the one called out loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he
picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed
in between pages. "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in
the young boy's voice he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady. Always quite delicate and
elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning to attend a family
reunion, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She
wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about
the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word
"toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the
old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But when she wrote that down she felt
that she was being to forward. So she started all over, rewrote the whole entire letter,
and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C.. "Does the campground have
its own B.C.?" is what she finally wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and he
couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped
him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but no
one could figure out what she meant either. So the campground owner , finally coming to
the conclusion that the lady was talking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat
down and wrote the following reply:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now
take the pleasure of informing you that the B.C. is located nine miles north of the
campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a
distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt that a great number
of people take their lunches and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay
late. I you don't start early you might not make it in time. The last time my wife and I
went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand the whole time we were
there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money
to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.. I would like to
say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of
desire on my part. As we get older particularly in cold weather, it gets harder to go. If
you decide to come down o our campground, perhaps I could go with you for the first time,
sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks.
"Remember, this is a friendly community!"
THE SIGNS OF "ADVANCED MOMHOOD"
used with the permission of the author, Liane Kupferberg Carter
Maybe it starts when you realize rock concerts give you a headache.
Or that you're offering to cut up other people's food. Or you catch yourself
ending a discussion with, "Because I'm the Mother, that's why!" You've reached a
new level of motherhood. All the warning signs are there. You know you've crossed the
threshold into advanced "Mommydom" when:
- You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're
- You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your son's
favorite toy car and made him cry.
- You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
- You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
- Your child throws up and you catch it.
- Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
- You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and
eggs on a plate
- without anything touching.
- Your child insists that you read "Once Upon A. Potty" out
loud in the lobby of Grand Central Terminal, and you do it.
- You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child
eats. (It's not - tomatoes are fruits --Mister Spiffy)
- You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
- You hate the thought of his wife even more.
- You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual
- You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's
- You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks.
- You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his
first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.
- You can't bear to give away baby clothes...it's so final.
- You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
- "NOT in your good clothes!"
- You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
- You lose sleep.
- You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
- You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and
feel proud that your kid is "above average."
- You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in
ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
- You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this
job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything
A Tribute to our Ancestors
© Roy Stockdill 1997
from "Rhyming Relations: Genealogy in Verse"
Used with permission of the author
THEY did not choose us, nor we them; we never knew them, nor they
us; yet we are inextricably bound together for all eternity and there is no law in the
universe, no metamorphosis physical or spiritual, that can ever alter this inalienable
OFTEN we may wish for different ones and feel moved to deny the ones
we have, but this is as futile as it is foolish to invent spurious ones, for our deception
will surely be unmasked, if not by others, ultimately by our own conscience.
WE owe everything, our very existence, to our ancestors, and yet we
know next to nothing of them because mostly their lives were so humbly recorded. It
is good that we seek to expand our knowledge of their lives so that we may better
understand our own.
THEY made us, body and soul, and we must accept without complaint or
rancour what they were and what we are, for nothing and no-one can ever change this fact
and it is barren folly to dwell obsessively upon it.
WE recognise that the legacy of genetic inheritance is a
double-edged sword. We should be grateful for those gifts of personality and disposition
our ancestors bestowed upon us which we find beneficial and not rail against those traits
we find less appealing, for it is surely in our own hands to change them.
WE should take pride in our ancestors and their achievements
wherever possible, whether high-born or low, rich or poor, prince or pauper, and not seek
arbitrarily to revile or condemn them for acts of which we know nothing of the causes.
WE must learn from them, from their mistakes as well as their
successes; from their tragedies as well as their triumphs; from their sins as well as
their virtues; from their hopes as well as their fears.
POSTERITY and history are irrevocably interwined in the present. No
coherent vision of the future can exist without an affinity for the past and cognizance of
the lives of our forebears.
REMEMBER that we, too, are the ancestors of those yet unborn and we
should seek to leave for them a heritage of which they can be as proud as we are of that
which our forebears bequeathed to us.
WE bless and thank our ancestors for the legacy of the good things
they gave us, forgive them their errors and pray that we will endeavour to use wisely the
knowledge which they handed down to us.